


Bus Space

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, crankiplier - Freeform, hints of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 05:49:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12788376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: Ethan has a bit of a panic attack on the bus and Mark comforts him.





	Bus Space

Ethan was not having a good night. In fact it was the opposite. He had eaten pretty heavily and his stomach hurt, and now they were back on the bus, headed for their next destination. It felt like everything was smaller than it really was. His bunk bed looked terrifying.

So, he sat. He stayed on the couch in front of their tv, curled up and sipping a Sprite. He thought he would be ok, until the others started getting loud.

People would be surprised if they knew the truth. Tyler was pretty into Pam, who they collaborated with for a while. Amy, as much as she loved Mark, they all knew she had a thing for Kathryn. Mark had accepted that a long time ago, and he was fine with it. The most surprising thing would be how much Ethan felt towards the loud man himself.

He could hear his voice across the curtain in the bus and shivered. He didn't want him to see him like this. Not claustrophobic and nauseous on their bus, not tucking his head into his knees and trying to breathe. Especially not starting to hyperventilate. Not with tears in his eyes and choked whimpers leaving his mouth.

It was all too suddenly quiet, like there was ringing in his ears, and he couldn't stand it. The others must have settled down to go to bed. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, and that's the best explanation for the sudden silence that he had.

He kept his eyes shut as he focused on breathing, and suddenly the couch dipped. Someone was beside him. His breathing picked up and he didn’t want to look to see who it was. He just felt a hand touch his where he held them to the sides of his head, and he let the strong grip take his hand and hold it. They stroked a thumb over the back of his hand and let him squeeze as hard as he needed.

It wasn’t getting better, and he felt himself getting dizzy. Whoever it was must have seen the way he was going to stand up, because they pulled him into their side and started rubbing circles into his shoulder. He still hadn’t opened his eyes, despite the tears stinging in them.

It had to be one of the guys. His mind contemplated that much from the size of them. But in his state he couldn’t tell who, and he didn’t want to. He was too embarrassed.

He heard someone say something about breathing, and he listened hard, copying their exaggerated breaths. He took one, then two, then three, then three too fast breaths, then back to practicing.

Eventually though he felt his lungs start to calm, not burning anymore, even though he couldn’t pinpoint when he had stopped hyperventilating. He still didn’t open his eyes. He just wiped them and settled against the warmth of the side he was pulled against.

They didn’t say anything, just rubbed his shoulders, and pulled a blanket up around them. With his eyes shut, he felt himself drift off.

* * *

When he awoke it was morning, he was alone, and no one acted like they knew anything. He was the early riser on the bus, so he pulled a gallon of water off the floor and started up their little coffee machine. Slowly everyone came out of the woodworks to the smell. But no one looked at him twice.

It was almost infuriating, to not know who it was that had held him. He wondered if he imagined it. He wondered if he was so upset that he had actually hallucinated, and that was a bit terrifying. The thoughts only made him anxious again. Except now, it was the middle of the morning. He couldn’t exactly hide from everybody.

Instead, he pulled the blanket up off the couch and headed to the back of the bus, where the table was. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and hunched over, trying to block out the morning chatter.

Just like last night, someone moved in, this time across the table from him. They set a mug in front of him and he was surprised to smell hot chocolate instead of coffee. It took a moment of determination, but he did look up.

“I thought you might not need the caffeine.” Mark said lamely. Ethan just swallowed and nodded. This was his worst nightmare. His boss, his friend, his former idol, was just watching him break down.

“You never opened your eyes... did I overstep?” Mark asked.

“No.” Ethan said shakily.

“Do you want to be alone?” He asked. Ethan considered it, but shook his head no. He felt better knowing it wasn’t all imagined, but worse knowing it was Mark.

“Do you need help now?” He asked.

Ethan blanked. He hadn’t realized he was breathing so hard. He watched Mark put a hand on the table, just laying it flat, and he knew it was an offer. He took it a few moments later. Holding Marks hand, he felt himself start to calm down, and tense up again for a different reason. He was holding Marks hand.

“Do you have anxiety attacks a lot?” Mark asked. When Ethan didn’t answer immediately, Mark cleared his throat.

“I mean, if that’s ok to ask. You don’t have to tell me.” He said quietly. Ethan took a few deep breaths and nodded.

“It’s fine. It’s just the bus I think. I’m getting too cramped in here. I brought my medicine- I didn’t think I would need it-” Ethan rambled. Mark cut him off.

“I have mine too.” He said calmly. Ethan looked up in confusion, meeting his eyes.

“You think you’re the only one here who has anxiety about this? Or in general? We’re going on tour- I’m in front of thousands of people. We’re in a cramped bus. It’s perfectly normal.” Mark said, giving him a small smile. Ethan nodded. Mark sighed and squeezed his hand.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. He couldn’t hide it, he knew. Might as well tell him.

“I didn’t want you to find out.” Ethan said quietly.

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t want you to see me... weak? I guess? You’re just so tough, and-”

“I cry in like half my videos.”

“But that’s over important things.” Ethan said. He put his head on the table, and Mark let go of his hand. For a dreadful minute he thought Mark had left, before he sat back down beside him, instead of across from him. He put a hand on Ethan’s back and he didn’t pull away.

“You honestly think your anxieties aren’t important?”

That wasn’t what Ethan had expected. He just shook his head and looked up at Mark. He looked so damn determined in that second that Ethan scrunched his eyebrows a little and swallowed.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Mark sighed. He looked away, and took a breath.

“Look, you matter... your fears matter-”

“No, wait. What were you gonna say?” Ethan interrupted.

“Nothing, it’s personal. I mean- it’s stupid.” Mark brushed off, chuckling.

Ethan was going to take that as an answer until he saw how red Mark was turning. He looked at him for a moment, and watched him nervously wait for Ethan’s response.

“I thought you said it mattered.” Ethan said boldly. Mark looked away like he had been caught and chuckled again.

“I did. You’re right.” Mark said, looking down. He took a deep breath and went for Ethan’s hand, but then immediately changed his mind and dodged it by moving his hand through his morning hair instead.

“When you say your fears don’t matter, it- it just makes me think that you think... that you don’t matter. And that’s just so, so far from the truth. Because you... matter to me. A lot.” Mark said. Ethan nodded, then cleared his throat.

“How much?” He said, barely getting his mouth to form the words. This was going deep, and if he had read the situation wrong he’d be in huge trouble. He hadn’t though.

Mark gently took Ethans face in his hand and turned him towards him, and pressed his lips to his. Ethan felt the air leave his lungs, and quickly put his hand to Marks neck, pulling him closer.

Mark never took it further than the kissing, never opening his mouth or tried to get Ethan to open his, which he was grateful for. As much as he’d like that, he wasn’t exactly an experienced kisser. He did know when to let go though, and give Mark some air. He slowly released his neck, and Mark dropped his hand from Ethan’s face.

“I didn’t actually think that would ever happen.” Mark whispered, almost to himself. Ethan smiled.

“Was- I mean- was that ok?”

“Amazing.” Ethan said honestly.

“Good. Great! Yeah.” Mark stuttered. Ethan chuckled. He’d never seen him this flustered.

“Do we have to tell them?” Ethan asked, suddenly remembering the rest of the crew.

“Not right now. Not even- I mean, we can keep this just between us if you would feel better.” Mark said.

“Maybe we can keep it off social media? But, we should tell them... later.” Ethan added. Mark nodded in agreement, then smiled.

“So you feel better?”

“By a lot.” Ethan confirmed.

“So what do we do now?” Mark asked.

“More?” Ethan said awkwardly. Mark chuckled, knowing exactly what he meant.

“Ok.” He agreed, leaning back in towards Ethan’s lips.


End file.
